I am puke
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
