I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
