Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
