No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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