just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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