I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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