I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
