I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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