some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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