the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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