Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
