found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
