I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
