dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
