peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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