Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
