It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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