yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Randomize
