I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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