Just fell off a train. Bad.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
