My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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