I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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