Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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