I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
