I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
