i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
