I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
