Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
