And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
