I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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