dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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