i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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