Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
