Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Houston, we have a squirter
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
