I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Your cock deserves a montage
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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