So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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