Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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