You smell like a Billy Joel song
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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