Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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