...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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