im drinking this country out of the recession.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
