Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
