I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
4 words: hood of his car
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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