when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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