i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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