Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
