true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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