Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Randomize
