it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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