We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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